All That Mattered
by Sunshine and Chocolate
Summary: It was painful but not hard. A glimpse into the mind of Derek Shepherd in early season two.


All That Mattered

Rating: Pg-13 for a bad word or two.

Pairing: Derek/Addison

Summary: It was painful but not hard. Derek knew this was very true. He also knew he still loved her even if he didn't want to.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

_It's not hard. It's painful. But it's not hard. _

_You know what to do already, if you didn't you wouldn't be in so much pain._

Derek knew this was true. He felt nothing but pain. Whenever he thought of his wife, he felt pain. In his heart, in his soul, he felt it in his bones, everywhere he felt the pain of her betrayal.

He remembers the moment he had first felt this gut-wrenching heart ache. It was the moment his heart had stopped beating. It had stopped serving its purpose because the pain hurt that much. It was the moment he found his wife in bed with his best friend Mark. The pain, it washed over him like a wave. It was intense and unexpected.

He had told Meredith he had known the second he stepped in his house that night but he hadn't. In truth, he would have expected everything and anything _but_ that. If he had known, that is what he would see when he opened the door to his bedroom he wouldn't have opened the door at all.

He would have done anything to save himself from having to actually see that, to have that image burned into his mind and his heart forever. On the other hand, if he hadn't seen it with his own eyes he wouldn't have believed it to be true.

That was something he had not seen coming. Should he have? It didn't really matter if he should have seen it coming or not because he didn't. He would always remember that horrible sight.

After the initial shock and pain and disbelief wore off, Derek had resorted into his shell where he did not have to feel anything least of all the pain.

There was no real feeling at all. He had felt nothing since that moment in time where she broke his heart.

For two months, he was just kind of numb on the inside. On the outside, he would appear normal. He would show emotions like happiness, laughter, compassion, but it was all superficial. It was never really _real_. Nothing seemed real to him.

For two-months he had been hoping to wake up. To find out that it was all just some horrific nightmare, just a scary dream. He just wanted to wake up with Addison in his arms. He wanted to find out that he_,_ _Derek_, was the only man she wanted.

That he was the only man she loved.

But for two months he woke up to Meredith, Seattle and that numb feeling. The only other thing he would feel on occasion was an ache. It was a physical ache, and it hurt like hell. He hated it. He hated it because he knew what that ache was. He knew what it meant. But he pretended he didn't know what it was or what it meant.

Pretending was another thing that he had done for two solid months.

He pretended that he really liked his new job as head of neurosurgery at Seattle Grace.

He pretended he liked his new city, and his trailer and the forty acres of land that he owned and had a fucking clue what to do with it.

He pretended he liked his new little flirtation he had with the intern.

He pretended for two months that _every _time he looked up into the gallery during a surgery that he wasn't looking for her, and he would pretend that he wasn't disappointed when she was never there.

He pretended that he liked that his sheets didn't smell like her. The way she said his name especially in the morning when she was content and happy that he was the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes. Yeah, he really did _not _miss that.

But then after these two months of feeling numb, ignoring the ache in his bones, and pretending he didn't; there she was.

Dressed in black from head to toe and walking and talking as if she owned the place and his heart started to beat again. And that ache he felt? That ache was lessened and intensified all in that one moment. Lessened because she was finally close enough to touch but intensified because he was not going to reach for her and let her have the satisfaction of knowing that he had missed her.

So he continued to pretend that he didn't care. He pretended that he wanted her gone and he wanted to live happily ever after with the intern.

This time the pretending was a lot harder but his anger fueled him.

He kept on pretending right up until the moment he gravitated toward the NICU out of instinct. He went under the guise of wanting to check on the preemie she had asked about but really he wanted to see her.

Then her lips met his and he could no longer pretend. He didn't need to. He was home. Her lips on his… it was right… it didn't just _feel _right. It _was _right.

The problem was that he was still in love with Addison. She had hurt him more than anyone ever had but he still loved her. And she loved him. And that was why it hurt so much… it was because he loved her so much.

So that was it. It was painful but not hard. His only regret was involving Meredith in the horrible mess he and Addison had made of their marriage. She didn't deserve to get hurt but apparently she loved him. And if that were true (and he really didn't see how it could be) then she would be hurt when she realized that she hadn't meant all that much to him.

But Meredith had been right about one thing; his choice was simple. But it wasn't between her or his wife. That choice was already made… had been made since the moment he laid eyes on Addison in the New York Public Library fifteen years ago. No. His simple choice was not between his girlfriend and his wife… his choice was to either forgive or to give up.

"I have been looking everywhere for you."

Derek turned at this sound of her silky voice.

"Well," Derek stood. "You found me."

He looked at her; dressed in black from head to toe once again.

"So you gonna sign those divorce papers or not?" She asked as if she was bored and was inquiring about the weather. He knew better than to believe that was how she was on the inside but to someone who didn't know any better this was how she appeared, totally uninterested.

"Why don't we talk somewhere private?" He suggested, picking up his briefcase and jacket.

He gestured with his hand for her to walk in front of him.

A fear settled into her eyes that he took notice of right away. He walked around the row of chairs to where she stood and put his hand on her lower back, an intimate gesture. He wanted the gesture to show her that there was nothing to fear.

He felt the ache in his chest lessen with the physical contact he had missed for two months.

Derek led her to an empty exam room, away from the gossip hungry nurses and interns of Seattle Grace Hospital. His marriage was no one business except his and that of his wife.

Once inside, he walked to the examination table in the middle of the room. Derek put his things down and then he placed his hands on the table. He looked down and let out a long sigh.

Derek could hear his wife behind him shift her weight from one foot to the other; it was a sure sign that she was afraid and nervous. She was afraid of what he was going to say, he didn't have to look at her to know that she was afraid.

"Derek-" She began her voice shaky.

"Do you know how unfair it is that you're right that you are still the love of my life?"

His voice was weak, and defeated.

He turned to her and their eyes locked. He held nothing back and he let his eyes say what words could not. He was broken. She _broke_ him.

But she was the only person who could fix him.

He took a tentative step toward her. She was still rooted to her spot near the door.

"Do you know how unfair it is that I tried so hard to hate you but I just can't do it?'

"Derek-" She tried again but her voice cracked and he could tell she was trying hard not to cry.

Derek closed the gap between them; she dropped her things to the floor and wrapped her arms around his neck. He buried his face in her hair. Derek breathed in her scent and that was it. He let go. He let go of all the pain and anger and betrayal and hurt. He let go of pretending he didn't feel, and he gave up on acting as if he hadn't missed her so much at times he hadn't been able to breathe.

He held on tight as the sobs wracked his body. How he had held all of it in for so long was amazing, and he needed it to let it out.

"I love you so much. So much, Addison," He choked out.

"I love you too." She whispered as her own tears made their way down her cheeks, and she rubbed his back to soothe the hurt she had caused. She had done this and she would do anything to heal him and them as a couple.

"Don't hurt me again. Please don't do it." He whispered as her movements calmed him down and the tears subsided, and he regained control of his voice.

"I won't Derek." She breathed out; her hands moved through his hair and lightly scratched his scalp. It was something that always soothed his tension.

"I swear to you that I won't." She said.

Derek nodded and tightened his arms around her, he believed her. She won't do it again.

The husband and wife held onto each other for dear life knowing that as long as they had each other and their love, everything would work out. And even if the other things in life didn't work out it didn't make any bit of difference because they had each other. That was all that mattered.

* * *

End.

Please Review.


End file.
